


The Heart Of Oikawa Tooru

by crimson_wake



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Closeted Character, Gay Male Character, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Off-screen Relationship(s), One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 03:50:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5852884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimson_wake/pseuds/crimson_wake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa has always loved Iwaizumi but refuses to give in and confess in fear of rejection. Instead, he bottles it inside himself and lets his love go unanswered- his heart fills with puss, festers and rots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Heart Of Oikawa Tooru

When Oikawa was a child, he was in love with his best friend: Iwaizumi Hajime. He closes his eyes and reminisces when everything was simple between them. There were no girls, volleyball, or annoying underclassmen to worry about. It was just him and his best friend- and that was enough for the small minded boy. 

He remembers how he would always go over to the other’s house although they wouldn’t stay for long, usually finding their way back outside. Despite the occasional sunburn, bug bites, and other mishaps he enjoyed being outside so long as he was with Iwaizumi. He used to smile so much then it made the brunette’s heart race. Yes, he loved him so much when he was a child. Except he didn’t love him back. He loved some girl that went to their school instead. He didn’t tell him but he knew, oh, how he knew so painfully. The way he glanced at her awkwardly with a blush dancing across his tanned cheeks, how he fumbled with his fingers when he spoke to her, and even getting just so damn interested so easily when her name was uttered by anyone. It was clear he was no match- would he ever be? Would he ever be enough for him? 

The first time he realizes he’s different, he is talking with the tanned boy while a group of boys in class are standing close together, their heads bent and their lips holding secret smiles, whispering about the girls they like and who found certain girls to be cute or not. The other boy looks back at them every now and then when they bursts into fits of laughter, disturbing the peace of the classroom, only to be given a scolding by the teacher along with threats of discipline that never came. Did he want to go over there and talk about the girl he had a crush on as well? What was he supposed to do if he wanted to? Deny him because he was interested in him?

So, he did what he does best and locked it inside himself. Oikawa never spoke of it to his friend, or anyone regarding the sensitive topic, and listened with a forced smile on his face when the other gushed over her. He didn’t want to sit and listen to this but what choice did he have? It was easier this way. If it was just him who was suffering and Iwaizumi was happy then it was worth it. It was better this way. 

When he was a teen, he loved him more now than he had and it showed. When he looked at him it was as though the planets had all aligned together and everything was jubilant- everything was right. Except he was afraid his love, his one and only love, would be rejected and shattered into a million pieces, turning into sharp daggers that would surely pierce his heart. The captain had done things that brought him shame and disgrace to his name. Being flirtatious with girls he had no interest in, and never would, getting their hopes up and crushing their hearts beneath his calloused fingertips. It didn’t hurt this way, when he was the one doing the damage, he thought. But how he was proven wrong whenever he gazed at Iwaizumi, his reputation-soiled heart lighting up and skipping several beats. 

The setter takes it even further to avoid the pangs of his unrequited love. He takes various girls out on dates, treats them like they’re special to him, and ultimately makes them fall in love with him. After that it isn’t long until kissing soon escalates to groping and after that their clothes are off. The distinct sound of high pitched moaning and skin slapping against skin is permanently burned into his mind. Oikawa always closes his eyes during this time, imagining it’s Iwaizumi beneath him, moaning and begging for more of him. Begging for his touch, his body, his love- everything he has to offer him. When he’s done he always detects a strange sense of regret and contempt for himself. 

Not long after this he involuntarily becomes distant from whichever girl he’s dating at the time, ultimately resulting in him getting dumped. The brunette goes to his friend, his true love, for consolation. No matter what he says, no matter what he does, there’s always forgiveness in his eyes and Oikawa thinks for a second he feels the same.

But he doesn't. He knows this, he isn't stupid. He simply knows it would be nice to pretend for a while and disillusion reality. 

He is a man now and can mend his past mistakes. All the young girls he had wronged with his own selfish agenda to distract himself forgive him almost too easily. Kageyama seems to just shrug it off but he can tell he’s surprised even if it took him so many years. Oikawa still loves Iwaizumi, even now and after all this time, more than he ever did as a child or even as a teen. He wants to hold the other man, kiss him, love him, everything that would stop them from being childhood friends and start becoming lovers. He wants to, desperately, but he doesn’t. 

Iwaizumi has someone else for him, someone that wasn’t him to love him in his place. He can only hope he’s happy and she gives as much love as he deserves. He will wait for him, the day he can be with him. He will wait no matter how long it takes. But oh, Oikawa’s heart, how it breaks.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd say I'm sorry but I'm really not


End file.
